For many autistic people, belonging isn’t something that comes naturally or easily. It’s often shaped by years of feeling different, misunderstood, or on the outside looking in. From early childhood, when peer acceptance begins to define social experience, many autistic individuals become aware, sometimes painfully, that they don’t quite “fit” in the way others seem to.

Over time, these experiences can quietly shape a person’s sense of identity. Feeling excluded or rejected doesn’t just affect friendships in the moment—it can influence how someone sees themselves, what they believe they deserve, and whether they feel safe to be authentic. For some, this leads to withdrawing into solitude; for others, it means learning to mask or adapt in order to gain acceptance.

In this blog post, Lynette, an autistic parent of autistic children, explores how identity and belonging are deeply connected, and why fostering self-acceptance and an authentic sense of self can be so powerful. Her post reflects on lived experience, the impact of masking, and the importance of creating environments where autistic people feel safe to be who they truly are.

Looking for safety in solitude

For me, safety often looked like solitude. Throughout much of my childhood I sought it out: I would imagine communities and worlds, then re-enact them hidden in hedges during school play times or dig in my garden pretending to be an archaeologist. I didn’t choose solitude, it was a response to not feeling like I belonged in school and other environments. 

Peer acceptance and friendship are particularly important during childhood and adolescence. It is almost inevitable that if you’re feeling isolated, rejected, lonely and struggling to make and find friends, this will have a negative impact on your sense of self-worth and belonging. 

My daughter once said to me; "the hardest thing is being aware of it" - she knew how she differed from her peers. This had created a sense of isolation and loneliness, all made worse when children in her class were invited to parties, or on play dates and she was not. It hurt, she felt there was something inherently "wrong" with her. She longed to be accepted and "normal". I felt an unspoken pressure to force social connection as part of expected social behaviour and to create acceptance and "normalness" I thought she needed, but attempts often reinforced her sense of unbelonging. 

She needed to develop a sense of self identity, of self-acceptance and compassion so that she could start to form meaningful friendships with peers. So, through engagement with things she experienced joy and positive feelings from, we were able to focus on building self-worth and identity. She was then eventually able to create connections with others who shared similar pursuits. 

Masking and fawning

Some autistic people assimilate by masking, or fawning (a form of people-pleasing) which can make you feel a sense of superficial acceptance. I relied on this as a survival strategy in my adolescence, and it has had serious consequences in adulthood. Maintaining a false identity has done more damage to my intrinsic sense of belonging and self-worth than being rejected for being authentic. 

During adolescence, my younger daughter who was adept at being a "social butterfly" started to struggle significantly. She had mimicked the behaviour and interests of her peers tolerating things which she found incredibly difficult. The impact of this on her boundaries and sense of identity led to mental illness which lasted until her early adulthood. As a parent it is particularly difficult to know how, when or why your child may have fallen out with friends, are suddenly struggling. It can be a worrying time, trying to find out what is going on can sometimes lead to conflict, when all you wanted was to help. For an autistic adolescent the fear of rejection is doubled due to blurred social identity and the increased need for peer acceptance. This is further exacerbated by the masking and fawning which misleads people into believing they’re okay, even when they might say they are not and adolescence is a particularly tricky time when fallouts with friends feel particularly difficult. 

The importance of being allowed to be autistic

Authenticity is essential, yet often we only gift ourselves with moments of it when we are in safe spaces or with safe people without the pressure of hiding who we are - possibly either due to shame or fear of ridicule. This is not a compassionate way to foster a sense of belonging.

It was not until I was much older that I started to recognise how essential understanding my authentic identity was to be able to find “my people” and build a sense of community. And eventually this has helped me feel like I belong.

My youngest daughter embraces her uniqueness. It wasn’t until recently aged 9, that she has been able to articulate things about her different experiences which has resulted in her current mental health difficulties. She said that the burden of not being understood, and of not understanding other’s choices is her greatest barrier to being around others. 

However, the school repeatedly say "but she’s fine here, she’s always smiling", and so I’ve doubted myself and I end up trying to justify my concerns. But we spend five hours after school unpacking the emotional burden, and two hours before school preparing for another day. And they ask "has anything happened at home recently?".

The battle I know many parents face are shame and blame, with children who are internalising their pain and anxiety whilst at school; home is a place of non-judgement, of acceptance - so that is invariably where they can be themselves. I didn’t understand this with my older children and was wracked with guilt and self-blame.  For my daughter although she has had challenges, I have ensured that she is free to be her authentic self, whilst this poses challenges in assimilating with her peers right now it has established her sense of self and autonomy. 

Understanding your authentic autistic identity

Understanding your authentic identity means recognising all the different parts of who you are, and how they fit together. These parts shape your experience of belonging, and other people’s responses to them can influence this too. Inequality, discrimination, and bias exist in this world and sadly affect how autistic people are treated by others.  As parents and carers we cannot fix all of that on our own, but we can help autistic children and adults develop an intrinsic sense of belonging and pride in their identity.

Helping your children to learn about who they are as an autistic person in a cultural and social context can allow them to be their authentic selves. Authenticity is a place without judgement which permits people to develop their own identity and form a sense of belonging in the world. The less autistic children have to assimilate and mask, the more likely they are able to be authentic. 

I wish I had understood all this much earlier. If I could write to my younger self this is what I’d say: 

Who are you and what truly matters to you? 

There will be people along the way who share parts of your identity and some of your interests. You are all similar, but different. No matter how carefully you style your hair or wear what others do, at the end of the day it won’t change who you are. Your hair will still fall into to its familiar knotty mess, your clothes may still be hand-me-downs, and you’ll still love weird music and films. 

When the curtain falls at the end of a theatre show, the actors step away, take off their makeup and return to their real selves. Social acceptance at school can feel much the same – like a performance.

 Approval, both on stage and in life, only lasts when you are authentic. If you seek belonging by pretending you are someone you’re not, you risk losing your sense of self. Like the actors stepping off the stage, belonging is found when the performance ends. It lives in moments of honesty, self-acceptance, and the freedom to be authentically yourself.

If you are a family member or a carer, please remember; the goal isn’t to “fix” difference - it’s to help your autistic child or adult know themselves, trust themselves, and feel proud of who they are. That might look like validating their needs, naming their strengths, and challenging the idea that fitting in matters more than being well. The more we support autistic children to be themselves at home, school, and in community spaces, the less they have to trade their identity for acceptance. And that’s where belonging begins.

Many families of autistic people find meeting other families and sharing their experiences helpful. Autism Central offers virtual group sessions and meet-ups led by qualified peer guides with lived and family experience. Visit our events page to find out more.